learning to dance in the rain

Thursday, May 26

Since Auni girl passed away last September, I feel like I've been in an extremely fragile state.  I got a job less than a month after her passing just to be forced to quit 3 months later because I felt as if my life was crumbling into a million pieces and my anxiety skyrocketed out of control.  Anxiety is a silent battle because it's so private, making you feel like you have to deal with it alone.  It's part of anxiety to appear as if you're completely fine and have everything together to those around you.  You seem amazing on the outside but feel like you're dying on the inside.  You over think everything and it truly consumes every aspect of your life.  I didn't truly understand how badly it was affecting me personally and my life until it was preventing me from doing an endless amount of everyday, simple tasks.

Everything we went through with Auni was so traumatic.  From the moment we heard the dreadful diagnosis of Spinal Muscular Atrophy to when I was forced to watch the life slowly leave her little body in my arms.  While she was still here with us, we were constantly doing everything in our power to keep her alive and happy.  We were in a state of non-stop survival mode, both day and night.  Always fervently praying for her comfort and dealing with the constant, debilitating fear of losing her and the unknown of how it would happen.  My stress meter was always maxed out.  All while grieving the life we once pictured and dreamed of for our beautiful daughter and trying to learn all of the new, terrifying things we had to do on a daily basis to keep her alive and breathing.  I was always so sensitive to everything she had to endure and suffer through, especially with her being so young and undeserving.  It seemed so unfair and quite literally tore me apart inside.

After going through everything with Auni and especially after losing her, fear became my unwanted constant companion always tugging at my arm; reminding me that if the worse case scenario happened once, it can definitely happen again.  The fear then caused me to be anxious to the point of preventing me from doing almost anything.  It caused me to withdraw, away from people, away from judgement, and away from the risk of making any type of mistake.  Being home and ignoring the outside world was the only place I felt completely safe.  Being fully aware that this was not normal nor helping my situation, Dall and I knew we needed to do something.  Not knowing where to turn and feeling like we had tried everything we could think of, we decided to go see a therapist. (who Heavenly Father so graciously placed in our path).  He has been nothing short of amazing and I very highly recommend therapy to every single person in this world, regardless of what you're facing.  It's so healthy and helpful to talk about everything you're going through with a third party who is not personally attached to the situation.  They bring such great perspective to the table and ask you questions that force you to step back and look at your situation in a whole new light.  In general but also due to therapy, I made a commitment to myself, Dallin, and our therapist that I would start working out again on a regular basis; a very necessary outlet for all of my pent up stress, worry, and emotions.  It has been such an immense help to me that I'm having a difficult time even finding the words to accurately describe it.  To say it simply, both nature and exercise are soooo good for the soul.

Yesterday, during my run, the song, I was Broken by Marcus Foster came on.  I have listened to this song so many times since purchasing it a few months ago but today, the lyrics took on a new meaning to me.  "There are some wounds that just can't mend...I will stand here until the end...I was broken for a long time but it's over now.  It's over now."  A few days ago was the first day I've had in a really long time that I haven't cried and was truly happy and felt like myself again all day long.  There was finally hope again.  Light at the end of this very dark, seemingly never-ending tunnel.  I felt that same thing again yesterday during my run after hearing those lyrics.  I recently applied for a couple of jobs and have an interview coming up.  At first I was so excited and grateful for the opportunity to get some structure and purpose back in my life.  That quickly morphed into fear taking over and making me feel inadequate and scared of the possibility of failing again.  Yesterday, as I was running and listening to this song, I literally felt the weight being lifted from my shoulders.  Heavenly Father letting me know that I could get through this and to not be scared because He is here to help me.  I stopped running and just sobbed.  Finally feeling hopeful again and seeing even the smallest amount of progress in my life brought me to tears.  I smiled and started running again and then quickly giggled at the thought of someone witnessing the crazy girl running that went from sobbing to laughing in a matter of seconds.  The life of a woman, am I right? ha ha

Life is just plain hard at times, so excruciatingly hard.  Sometimes the hand we are dealt seems so unfair and almost breaks us but there is always great purpose behind it all.  Light does come eventually.  There is no saying how quickly it will come and in what magnitude, but it will come.  I have undeniably witnessed this in my personal life time and time again.  I believe without a shadow of a doubt that if we are doing all we can, Heavenly Father will bless us and everything will work out.  Little by little, if we keep trying, we will keep improving and things will keep getting better and better.  If there is one thing I know of a surety, it's that Auni wants Dall and I to be happy.  I hope I can keep working and trying everyday to keep improving myself and to learn to be happy and have a heart full of gratitude, even in the middle of the storm.  I'd say it's never too late to learn how to dance in the rain, even if at times, it's in a hurricane like rain.

No comments :

Post a Comment

Proudly designed by Mlekoshi playground